no title
what can i say....so much thoughts floating around, so little time to type it (well actually i have lots of time, just don't wanna type haha). hmmm.....see the problem is it seems like everytime i blog i have some sad or depressing news. i realized the faults of myself, and yes, though i have God on my side, i still feel a constant sense of failure because of all the people i have disappointed and of all the things i have done to fail God. It's like life ripping apart at the seams, when you just wish you had so much, but have everythin denied with a big "NO". Everything i have prayed for, God has said "no". well not exactly EVERYTHING, but many things that i do pray for, it would seem to me the answer is no. Is it just me focusing on the negative or is God really testing me right now? i don't know.
Parents. i've always struggled to have a good relationship with my parents, and it would seem like the older i get, the worse i become to them. I just don't talk to them anymore. i don't care much anymore about what they have to say. I've simply given up. My mom in particular is what cheeses me off. My dad is cool, but my mom seriously cheeses me off. It's like she's living in a separate world when she's in public and when she's in private. Everybody sees her as this fun loving, nice woman, but i don't. All i see is her treating me like somethin she rents. WHen she's in some kind of high of happiness she embraces me with love that i cannot possibly deserve. Yet whenever she is in even the most remotely bad mood i would be lashed out upon. She would say such cruel ,mean, demeaning things that i wish i could find a whole and bury myself dead. I see hyprocricy, i see her filled with pride for what she does.
Friends. Some of friendships seemed to have been ruined. Either i myself have changed and am just not so friendly anymore, or i have lied, been a hyprocrite, and they found out and now reject me. Whatever it is i would KNOW that it is my fault, for i have changed a lot since even half a year ago. I pray everyday that God would do somethin, cryin out to Him (not literally tears crying, but u know....as close as i wil get to it) for some kind of answer, somethin to bail me out, and somethin to open my eyes and heart so when He does answer, i don't miss it. Yet often times the answer appears to be no. Again, mayb i'm just looking @ a friendship from a negative bias and just can't seem to apprciate things.
GOd. I have failed Him, over and over. WHy God would choose someone like me to not only cherish as one of His own children but to give me continual mercy and forgiveness, i do not know. He has given me more grace than everythin and everyone in this world will ever give. I have failed him miserably many times, and for those few when i did do His work, it would seem to me that i had the wrong intentions in doing it or i have some other purpose other than servign God whole heartedly. I do what i can to shut out those selfish desires, anythin that's remotely pride, but it seems to hard, when i'm surrounded in a world that seems to be driven by nothing BUT pride and ungrace.
Apologies. For all those i have done wrong to, for all those i have failed, those i have lied to, those i have betrayed, those whom i have disappointed, those whom i've upset because of omsethin i did, i'm sorry. Though i dont' deserve it, i ask for your forgiveness. If you read this blog and have gotten up to here without skipping the last couple paragraphs, then at least u care enough to take the time to read it. Yet i can't even ask for that, so i ask for you of grace, and forgive me though i dont' deserve it. BLog is probably the worst place in the world where i can say these things, yet it seems to be the best on the other end, for i get a false sense of security that it is safe to put stuff on blog. >.<
what can i say....so much thoughts floating around, so little time to type it (well actually i have lots of time, just don't wanna type haha). hmmm.....see the problem is it seems like everytime i blog i have some sad or depressing news. i realized the faults of myself, and yes, though i have God on my side, i still feel a constant sense of failure because of all the people i have disappointed and of all the things i have done to fail God. It's like life ripping apart at the seams, when you just wish you had so much, but have everythin denied with a big "NO". Everything i have prayed for, God has said "no". well not exactly EVERYTHING, but many things that i do pray for, it would seem to me the answer is no. Is it just me focusing on the negative or is God really testing me right now? i don't know.
Parents. i've always struggled to have a good relationship with my parents, and it would seem like the older i get, the worse i become to them. I just don't talk to them anymore. i don't care much anymore about what they have to say. I've simply given up. My mom in particular is what cheeses me off. My dad is cool, but my mom seriously cheeses me off. It's like she's living in a separate world when she's in public and when she's in private. Everybody sees her as this fun loving, nice woman, but i don't. All i see is her treating me like somethin she rents. WHen she's in some kind of high of happiness she embraces me with love that i cannot possibly deserve. Yet whenever she is in even the most remotely bad mood i would be lashed out upon. She would say such cruel ,mean, demeaning things that i wish i could find a whole and bury myself dead. I see hyprocricy, i see her filled with pride for what she does.
Friends. Some of friendships seemed to have been ruined. Either i myself have changed and am just not so friendly anymore, or i have lied, been a hyprocrite, and they found out and now reject me. Whatever it is i would KNOW that it is my fault, for i have changed a lot since even half a year ago. I pray everyday that God would do somethin, cryin out to Him (not literally tears crying, but u know....as close as i wil get to it) for some kind of answer, somethin to bail me out, and somethin to open my eyes and heart so when He does answer, i don't miss it. Yet often times the answer appears to be no. Again, mayb i'm just looking @ a friendship from a negative bias and just can't seem to apprciate things.
GOd. I have failed Him, over and over. WHy God would choose someone like me to not only cherish as one of His own children but to give me continual mercy and forgiveness, i do not know. He has given me more grace than everythin and everyone in this world will ever give. I have failed him miserably many times, and for those few when i did do His work, it would seem to me that i had the wrong intentions in doing it or i have some other purpose other than servign God whole heartedly. I do what i can to shut out those selfish desires, anythin that's remotely pride, but it seems to hard, when i'm surrounded in a world that seems to be driven by nothing BUT pride and ungrace.
Apologies. For all those i have done wrong to, for all those i have failed, those i have lied to, those i have betrayed, those whom i have disappointed, those whom i've upset because of omsethin i did, i'm sorry. Though i dont' deserve it, i ask for your forgiveness. If you read this blog and have gotten up to here without skipping the last couple paragraphs, then at least u care enough to take the time to read it. Yet i can't even ask for that, so i ask for you of grace, and forgive me though i dont' deserve it. BLog is probably the worst place in the world where i can say these things, yet it seems to be the best on the other end, for i get a false sense of security that it is safe to put stuff on blog. >.<
